Salaamun alaykum, dear readers!
Can a Muslim date someone before marriage? The answer is yes, actually.
Let us talk about about what the Quran says on the issue of relationships. Here is what this Quranic verse says:
- [24:30-31] Say to the believing men that they should reduce from their sight, and guard their private parts. That is purer for them. Indeed, God is Aware of how they work. And say to the believing women that they should reduce from their sight and guard their private parts…
If the command is to reduce something from our sight, question then becomes: what exactly are we reducing/lowering our sight from? Do we reduce everything from our sight and become totally blind, with vision loss? That is obviously not the case.
The Quran has all the details of how to practice the religion according to verses 12:111 and 16:89. The Quran has all the judgements from God that we need according to verse 6:114. So that means we reduce from our sight ONLY the things God specified or made clear in the Quran to look away from.
- Verse 4:85 says not to intercede for bad deeds.
- The act of intercession is promoting or advocating for something to someone, including your own self.
- Looking at or thinking about sinful activities in a way that causes the desire to those activities (such as eating pork, gambling, alcohol, theft, bribery, etc.) is like interceding with one’s own self for those sinful activities, or promoting them to one’s self.
Thus, the command to reduce things from our sight or gaze means not looking at something that the Quran explicitly forbids in a way that causes a desire to do those things, whether it is alcohol, pork, gambling, unlawful sex, theft, murder, bribery, etc.
The Quran does not explicitly make it a sin to catch feelings for someone before marriage, or romantic relationships before marriage. Therefore, the command to reduce from the sight in verse 24:31 does not mean avoid seeking romantic relationships before marriage or avoid looking romantically at a boyfriend or girlfriend before marriage.
However, what IS explicitly mentioned as sinful in the Quran is fornication and adultery, so men and women shouldn’t intentionally look at one another in a way that causes a desire or urge to fornicate or commit adultery.
What Does “Do Not Approach Unlawful Sex” Mean?
As it pertains to love and relationships, what the Quran has forbidden is “coming close/approaching” sex before marriage.
That is, not only should one not commit illicit sex, but one should not be near to committing it.
- [17:32] And do not come near unlawful sex. Indeed, it has been an enormity, and an evil way.
So now, the question is: how near is considered “too near”?
- Someone can argue that being 5 miles away or closer from the opposite gender is too near to committing unlawful sex.
- Some might argue that being 10 miles away or closer from the opposite gender is too near.
- Some might argue that being on the same planet as a member of the opposite sex is too near and poses a risk of committing unlawful sex.
However, with the Quran being fully-detailed, only the Quran is qualified to define what “too near” means.
Verse 4:85 prohibits interceding for or promoting bad deeds. Therefore, actions that cause a serious desire to do something that the Quran defines as a bad deed is like interceding with one’s own self for that deed.
It’s like if one walks into a grocery store and they see alcoholic drinks; if they look at it in such a way that causes them to want to drink the alcohol, then they are interceding with themselves for the act of drinking alcohol by making themselves think it is a good idea to do it, or making themselves think thoughts such as, “It looks so good, one drink wouldn’t hurt, right? I really want to try it.”
Therefore, “too near” is defined in verse 4:85 as doing actions that personally causes a desire to commit unlawful sex.
- [4:85] Whoever intercedes for a good deed will have for him a share thereof, and whoever intercedes for a bad deed will have for him a share thereof. And God is Sustainer over everything.
So if holding hands with a boyfriend or girlfriend, or hugging him/her, or being in a relationship with that person does not cause you to want to have sex with that person, then it is permissible for you because it is not near to committing unlawful sex. But if it does, then it is prohibited for you because it is Quranically too near to committing unlawful sex.
So whether dating, hugging, or holding hands with a member of the opposite sex is permissible or forbidden depends from person to person, and the cardinal rule for determining that is if such actions cause the person to want to commit unlawful sex or not.
As for kissing on the lips before marriage in a non-sexual manner, that is far more risky than hugging. While the same rule applies (being permissible as long as it does not cause the person doing the kissing to want to commit unlawful sex), it’s more risky. It is better to treat it as forbidden and not take the risk.
Conclusion
Any Muslim who wants to date someone before marriage (whether the love interest is Muslim or non-Muslim, there is no prohibition on dating non-Muslims) must be aware of what romantic acts will increase the desire for unlawful sex and which romantic acts will not, and abstain from the former and make the boundaries clear to the partner as those are prohibited.
Likewise, the Muslim must also understand his or her partner’s boundaries and avoid doing actions that the partner specifically stated will increase desire for unlawful sex.
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